Accompanied By Grief
It’s hard to accept and write about loss when one is wrestling with it—especially when it comes so unexpectedly.
Much has been written about grief and how to cope with it as an individual but I’d like us to remember that it is indeed (and that it certainly can be) communal.
There is generally no wrong way to live and deal with it—especially today, in such a complex, multicultural, fast-paced, and interconnected world.
It goes without saying that people grieve differently, that we don’t all experience (and go through all) the known stages, and that we don’t all express it similarly and that’s Ok!
Let’s stop being so hard with each other—especially when it comes to difficult and very personal moments that we may or may not share with the world.
There are people who are quick to police, to judge, to frown on the way we process loss. That usually stems from a lack of compassion, maturity, and a complete ignorance of how human beings function.
It is true that we are all motivated by different, sometimes opposing, things and that some people might be perceived as performative and self-centered during moments of deep loss, but as good as we think we are at judging the feelings and motives of others, we can often be very mistaken—we could really be wrong. It’s best to err on the side of compassion and understanding because one never knows.
In fact, one can cause unimaginable pain and incredible damage to the reputation and overall mental, physical, and spiritual well-being of others when we publicly and privately lampoon and harangue, sub or directly, those who are grieving publicly and/or privately. This can certainly push them over ledges we may not know they’re close to.
Allow yourself to be distracted, to feel, to cry, to retract, to have private and public moments of anger, of sadness, of joy and extend that to others—we must. Grieving is communal but it doesn’t always manifest itself the same way. Even people who might’ve grown up in the same household handle and express themselves differently.
We should always be cautions, but we must also assume that during trying times people are motivated by good—even if we believe their behaviors say otherwise. I don’t believe it’s healthy to think that most people, in or outside of our groups, are always guided by conscious and willful malevolence. Don’t get me wrong, in a deeply individualistic society, most people are conditioned to be selfish, and do, some times unknowingly, monstrous things to achieve anything, but this isn’t always the case for everyone. I wouldn’t hurt the few to punish the whole. Innocent people shouldn’t be seen as necessary collaterals to right the wrongs of the world.
During my time on this Earth, I’ve seen many an array of emotions and expressions (and lack thereof) by others during painful times. Some of us break down and cry. Some of us yell. Some of us flail. Some of us don’t outwardly show what we think and feel. None of us would be wrong. Some of us seem to be in a sube y baja, in a cycle of oscillating opposing emotions, which can be misinterpreted as callousness, but I wouldn’t pass judgement because, again, one doesn’t really know what’s in the hearts of others.
The transitioning of a loved one can be very traumatizing and I don’t believe feelings of grief ever leave us. Grief can come and go, in waves, and the intensity can fluctuate, but if it’s preventing us from living normal, healthy lives, then we should seek professional help. If you think someone may be in deep anguish, I suggest you reach out privately and ask how you can help, but tread carefully. Not everyone is willing, welcoming, ready and able to receive it, for whatever reason that should be respected.
I know it’s difficult to consider all these things but during moments of grief we also have to be considerate of ourselves and others—we have to be kind to ourselves and to each other. This is the best way for us to let deeply painful feelings pass through us. Chronic sadness can be grievous.
The loss of a loved one can be devastating but I hope that we also honor those who have left us by celebrating them, the invaluable moments and feelings they shared with us and others… but by especially loving, without cruel, petty restrictions and inhumane conditions, those who loved them and remained in this realm with us.
I pray we all know that our loved ones, those who are here and those who went home, may have (had) close and loving friendships that we may not know and have known of. I pray that we don’t claim ownership and physically and spiritually break those bonds that mean and meant so much to them.
What better way to honor our dearly departed than by showing them (and ourselves) that the people they deeply cared about are loved by us no matter the degree of separation?
To my beloved Juan,
Wherever you may be, I promise to understand and love those whom you loved as much as you did. It may be improbable because I know you loved so many and so deeply and I’m afraid there may be a ceiling for me—but I will at least try.
I love you, mi querido hermano.
You’ll be dearly missed.
Nos vemos.
P.S. Save me a seat for that film screening.
There’s a fundraiser to help his loved ones for his homecoming. Please help and share with your networks—as much as you can. It’s surpassed its goal by the time I finished writing this piece, but as you know, unexpected expenses always materialize and a bit more help can go a long way.
Any boost would be deeply appreciated.
Mi gracias.
César Vargas is a distinguished writer, advocate, strategist, and social critic, celebrated for his influential voice in modern Latinx America. His insightful social criticism spans a broad spectrum of topics including geopolitics, race, ethnicity, immigration, and culture. His work resonates across various platforms and communities, engaging editors, writers, journalists, celebrities, activists, artists, executives, politicians, professors, students, and more.
Recognized as one of the '40 Under 40: Latinos in American Politics' by the Huffington Post, his writings have been featured in prestigious publications like the 'Bedford Guide for College Writers' and 'Caribbean Latino Perspectives in the Second Decade of the 21st Century'. His essays and articles have been published and quoted in NBC, Fox News Latino, Voxxi, Okayafrica, Okayplayer, The Huffington Post, Sky News, Salon, The Guardian, Latino Magazine, Latino Rebels, Vibe, The Hill, BET, and his own widely-followed online magazine, UPLIFTT, reaching millions globally.
He is known for creating content that goes viral, thanks to his unique perspective on documenting contemporary issues. His work, which played a pivotal role in bringing Afrolatinidad to the mainstream, is taught in high schools and colleges and shared widely, including in state prisons. His contributions to the arts were acknowledged with two awards from Fusion and the National Hispanic Foundation for the Arts for his short films 'Some Kind of Spanish' and 'Black Latina Unapologetically'.
As a Salinas Scholar at the Aspen Institute's Latinos & Society, he continues to push boundaries and inspire change. His academic background in Film Studies from Queens College, CUNY, underpins his diverse skill set.
Beyond his professional achievements, Vargas is deeply committed to philanthropy. He has raised and distributed funds for various causes, including supporting Haitians in Sosúa, his birthplace. This commitment to social good has piqued the interest of publishing houses, MacArthur Fellows, and major foundation leaders, leading to the ongoing development of his personal memoir.
Currently residing in Brooklyn, New York, with his wife, Delmy, and their son, Omari, Vargas continues to be a dynamic voice and advocate, championing diverse causes and shaping the narrative around Latinx issues in America and beyond.
